christmas18
Hello, thanks for visiting. Below are many more bad christmas cracker jokes…
If you want the answers to the Christmas Quiz 2018 quiz click here
If you want to see (and print off) the quiz we used for Autumn 2018 (without answers displayed) click here
For the questions above, with answers, click here
What school subject are snakes best at?
Hisstory
What do you call a crazy golfer?
A crack put
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck
What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?
Auld Fang Syne
What is black and white and noisy?
A zebra with a drum kit
What’s the fastest thing in water?
A motor pike
What lies in a pram and wobbles?
A jelly baby
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A doyouthinkhesawus
What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow
What kind of sweet goes swinging through the jungle?
Tarzi-pan
What’s the most popular gardening magazine in the world?
Weeder’s digest!
What do you get if you cross an orange with a comedian?
Peels of laughter
What would you get if all the cars in Britain were red?
A red carnation
What is green and stands in the corner?
A naughty frog
How do monkeys make toast?
Stick some bread under the gorilla
What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?
Billy the squid
What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?
An alarm cluck.
Where are the Andes?
On the end of the armies
Why can’t a bike stand up by itself?
Because it’s two-tired
Why did the chicken cross the football pitch?
Because the referee whistled for a fowl
Why do you call your dog Metal-worker?
Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door
Why is Europe like a frying pan?
Because it has Greece at the bottom
What’s ET short for?
Because he’s only got little legs
Why are chocolate buttons rude?
Because they are Smarties in the nude
What fur do we get from a tiger?
As fur as possible
What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Wayne.
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger…
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick-layer
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th
Why do birds fly south in winter?
Because it’s too far to walk
How does Jack Frost get to work?
By icicle
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Wenceslas.
Wenceslas who?
Wenceslas train home?
Why did the footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper
What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?
The juve-niles
How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By Norse code
What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
Floodlights
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Arthur any mince pies left?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
How do you hire a horse?
Stand it on four bricks
What do ghosts eat?
Spookgetti
What do hedgehogs eat?
Prickled onions
What do you call two robbers?
A pair of knickers
What cereals do cats like?
Mice Crispies
What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?
A barberqueue
Why was the turkey in the pop group?
Because he was the only one with drumsticks!
What do you call a boomerang that does not come back?
A stick
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps
Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
He was picking his nose
What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
“It’s Christmas Eve”
What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm
What did Santa do when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker
What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come
When do vampires like racing?
When it’s neck and neck
What’s a dog’s favourite carol?
Bark, the herald angels sing
What do snowmen have for breakfast?
Snowflakes
What do you give a dog for Christmas?
A mobile bone
Why did the pony have to gargle?
Because it was a little horse
Why are Christmas trees very bad at knitting?
Because they always drop their needles
What is Santa’s favourite pizza?
One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even
What do you call a train loaded with toffee?
A chew chew train
Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had no body to go with
What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?
He got 25 days
How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy
What is the best Christmas present?
A broken drum, you can’t beat it!
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table
Why did Santa have to go to the hospital?
Because of his poor elf
What do frogs wear on their feet?
Open toad sandles
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrrr!
What do you call a blind reindeer?
No eye deer
What’s round and bad tempered?
A vicious circle
How do you know if Santa’s been in your garden shed?
You’ve got three extra hoes
What’s yellow and dangerous?
Shark-infested custard
