Hello, thanks for visiting. Below are many more bad christmas cracker jokes…

If you want the answers to the Christmas Quiz 2018 quiz click here

If you want to see (and print off) the quiz we used for Autumn 2018 (without answers displayed) click here

For the questions above, with answers, click here

What school subject are snakes best at?


What do you call a crazy golfer?

A crack put

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?

A nervous wreck

What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?

Auld Fang Syne

What is black and white and noisy?

A zebra with a drum kit

What’s the fastest thing in water?

A motor pike

What lies in a pram and wobbles?

A jelly baby

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A doyouthinkhesawus

What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow

What kind of sweet goes swinging through the jungle?


What’s the most popular gardening magazine in the world?

Weeder’s digest!

What do you get if you cross an orange with a comedian?

Peels of laughter

What would you get if all the cars in Britain were red?

A red carnation

What is green and stands in the corner?

A naughty frog

How do monkeys make toast?

Stick some bread under the gorilla

What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?

Billy the squid

What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?

An alarm cluck.

Where are the Andes?

On the end of the armies

Why can’t a bike stand up by itself?

Because it’s two-tired

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch?

Because the referee whistled for a fowl

Why do you call your dog Metal-worker?

Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door

Why is Europe like a frying pan?

Because it has Greece at the bottom

What’s ET short for?

Because he’s only got little legs

Why are chocolate buttons rude?

Because they are Smarties in the nude

What fur do we get from a tiger?

As fur as possible

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?

Bring on their subs

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?


Wayne who?

Wayne in a manger…

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick-layer

Who invented fractions?

Henry the 1/8th

Why do birds fly south in winter?

Because it’s too far to walk

How does Jack Frost get to work?

By icicle

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?


Knock, knock.

Who’s there?


Wenceslas who?

Wenceslas train home?

Why did the footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?

He was the skipper

What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?

The juve-niles

How did the Vikings send secret messages?

By Norse code

What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?


Knock, knock

Who’s there?


Arthur who?

Arthur any mince pies left?

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

How do you hire a horse?

Stand it on four bricks

What do ghosts eat?


What do hedgehogs eat?

Prickled onions

What do you call two robbers?

A pair of knickers

What cereals do cats like?

Mice Crispies

What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?

A barberqueue

Why was the turkey in the pop group?

Because he was the only one with drumsticks!

What do you call a boomerang that does not come back?

A stick

What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps

Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?

He was picking his nose

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

“It’s Christmas Eve”

What does Santa do with fat elves?

He sends them to an Elf Farm

What did Santa do when he went speed dating?

He pulled a cracker

What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?

One day my prints will come

When do vampires like racing?

When it’s neck and neck

What’s a dog’s favourite carol?

Bark, the herald angels sing

What do snowmen have for breakfast?


What do you give a dog for Christmas?

A mobile bone

Why did the pony have to gargle?

Because it was a little horse

Why are Christmas trees very bad at knitting?

Because they always drop their needles

What is Santa’s favourite pizza?

One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even

What do you call a train loaded with toffee?

A chew chew train

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?

He had no body to go with

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?

He got 25 days

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?

They had a weigh in a manger

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy

What is the best Christmas present?

A broken drum, you can’t beat it!

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?


What has four legs but can’t walk?

A table

Why did Santa have to go to the hospital?

Because of his poor elf

What do frogs wear on their feet?

Open toad sandles

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrrrrrr!

What do you call a blind reindeer?

No eye deer

What’s round and bad tempered?

A vicious circle

How do you know if Santa’s been in your garden shed?

You’ve got three extra hoes

What’s yellow and dangerous?

Shark-infested custard